I made a decision today.
It has been a thought of mine for some time. Just growing there slowly over time, sometimes not really all that noticeable, sometimes utterly over-whelming.
It started a really long time ago, but it was just really an observation rather than an individual nuisance. I had just noticed things in life and if they sorta pissed me off. Like a little bothersome mosquito, kinda bearable, I guess. I really did nothing about it; actually considered it was just how life was: irritating but tolerable.
This concept grew deeper as I grew older, very intwined and construed with my personal ideas of success. I didn’t have what I felt I needed to have and I didn’t feel the way I felt I was supposed to feel.
Suddenly all the things Tyler Durden had warned us about were my stark reality.
I suddenly loathed going to a real estate job I convinced myself I really, really loved. I felt sick every morning, like a scheming school kid trying to get out of class, my mind would race on how I could pull off another day of hooky. I hadn’t exercised in months and felt sore everywhere, everyday. Even as I tried transitioning to working from home, my mind still could not focus on anything but “what had I actually gotten myself into and how can I end it?”
Then I blamed others around me for my unhappiness.
Just before the fighting and arguing around the house turned into vicious brawl, I decided to let it ALL go. -Real Estate, that is.
It wasn’t worth it anymore. I found out even more so when we did our taxes, let’s just say I did our family NO favors finically. My whole reasoning for this stupid career move was to help my family finally buy a stupid house and all I did was raise our income to be ineligible to get any great first time buyer bonuses (like zero to small % down loans and grants) and gave us a bunch of extra taxes to pay.
Depressing, to say the least.
Well, I should have just bounced back into my chipper old sarcastic self after loosing that anchor, right?
Still feeling like shit, now I am feeling purposeless and like a shitty house wife, because I hate to clean all day. The wear and tear of raising 4 kids is evident everywhere you see, including all over me and my husband. He is exhausted from work all day and I have no idea why I am exhausted and can’t seem to seemingly accomplish anything.
In the best interest of saving our marriage (jokingly, but not really) we did our usual stay-cation thing in Seattle.
It was great, lying in bed for the weekend and wandering the city. It got us talking about our future again, not some fake ass dreamboard of what society thinks we should all be doing, but our real futures -which we really haven’t though of lately. We’ve be just floating on, merely existing so much lately and have gotten so used to it, we really hadn’t stopped to notice where in the hell we were going and if we really wanted to even go there.
So we decided then, that things should and will be on our terms.
I am not going to lie, I was pretty disappointed when I really realized that we are not going to buy a house before our lease in up in the spring. I really, really want to move into our own home. But then it occurred to me if we continue to save money, then we have a bit more negotiating power when it comes to loans, without having to subdue to the dreaded housing developments. I am not thrilled with this realization, but it does soften the blow a bit, as I want some freaking chickens.
I also realized that staying at home now is not only not all that bad, it is exceptionally rare these days, and I am grateful for that. I know that this is the most important time in my kids lives and for me to be home everyday, to provide that stability and dependability for them is something they are just going to to reproduce when they are older.
Speaking of our kid’s future, a topic that has been weighing on my mind deeply lately, I also decided that that should be bit more on our terms, as well. There are so very many things I am completely pissed off about this whole world of people and how they are treating this planet.
The political battles that are in front of us seem daunting, yet exclusive to this country. Yet we know that not to be true. The leaders of all countries affect this delicate game. Our ecological infrastructure is the playing field of this game, and us continuously destroying all we can to reap all we could without a second of collective conscience will, inedibility, cause the the end of our almighty sanctuary.
I decided today, that I really need to have more of a voice.
This is my first rant of 2016. There is more to come.